Dancing with a (fallen) Icon

Throwback. Los Angeles. 1989.
Oh god, I was so conflicted about posting this when I found it. I bawled my eyes out when MJ died, (see my post June of 2009) like all of us, his music was the backdrop of my childhood. This moment, being called up on stage in LA during his bad tour and dancing up there with him... (1:18-1:26) it was literally surreal. I had been on several stages as a young performer but was actually so shocked by the magnitude of the stadium that I stood in the back row. I recall this being the first time I was ever nervous on a stage..the energy was more powerful than I had ever experienced. I had also never seen someone with his star power close up before. I can remember looking at him as he crossed the stage and he smiled and I felt like his being was somehow something greater than human; he was magnetic. A musical genius he most certainly was. But I also believe he was a very sick individual and I believe his victims. I’m not interested in a debate. I understand the conflict. I swore I would never listen to his music again. Then somehow Thriller blared on Halloween this year while I was at a party and I got up to dance and sat down again and then got up again. I danced and felt joy and nostalgia and also nausea and sadness and sickness and grief all at once. And I hoped the song would end but also couldn’t stop myself from dancing to what was once my all time favorite song. Which is so indicative of how so many people feel about Michael Jackson now. What do we do with this information, with this knowledge ? Will we ever be able to listen to his music again in the same way ? No. But will we still listen to it? Maybe, probably? Again, I was conflicted but this blip of a moment in my life was extraordinary, so here it is. In all our innocence, the  pop icon of our generation ...what a legend we thought he was, before we knew.
Before we knew, before we knew.

** I believe his victims 💯, I’m so sorry to whoever was hurt. Hurt people, hurt people. Believe survivors. Thank you for your bravery. X

Soulless Cycle

I started taking soul cycle in the summer of 2012 in New York City. I heard incredible things about the teachers, the energy, the unity in the class. After my first class, I was hooked. I went three to four times a week. I lost all my weight from my first baby there. I was a soul addict. 

Two years later and after my second baby, I had a couple very unsettling experiences at the studio that I couldn’t shake. I had been a loyal soul cycler for over two years at that point and  had recently taken 9 months off to have my baby (I had a horrendous pregnancy and sadly could not work out for the duration of my pregnancy). Before my pregnancy, I went to Laurie and Janet's classes weekly. I was friends with the manager who I adored, and loved the classes, people I met at the studio, and of course, the workout. I referred tons of friends to my neighborhood Tribeca studio. 

My first class back was about month after I had a premature baby and two months of a personal and emotional roller coaster.  I didn't expect Laurie to remember me (I was a "silent" regular, not a front rower) but couldn't wait to feel once again invigorated and inspired by her music and class. It had been long time, and I needed it for the reasons soul cycle defined itself as: inclusion, non judgmental inspiration, joy, and community. A positive and supportive “tribe.” It had been a trying year, to say the least. 

Halfway through the class, I realized how out of shape I was,  I was having a hard time keeping up and beating myself up for it in my head. You can imagine my disappointment and disgust when suddenly Laurie glared at me and yelled in the middle of class "Bike 25! What are you doing?! YOU are slowing us down!We are on a fast moving train and you are the slow caboose!" I just laughed because honestly it was so bitchy I had no choice but to laugh -the irony of why I couldn't wait to get back to the studio and how it made me feel and this was the opposite of what it supposedly stood for. I wanted to leave class, but stayed even though I lost all respect for Laurie as a teacher  in that moment. She had no idea what I had been through; I paid for the class just like everyone else, and not so I could be called out, yelled at and shamed for being out of shape after having a baby A MONTH BEFORE, and might I add, nearly dying in the process. 

After sharing my sentiments with others in the community, I heard she did this quite often.  How was this ok? Seemed pretty contrary to soul cycles mission statement. Despite my experience (which management acknowledged was unacceptable and gave me TEN free class to make up for it ) I continued to go back, even after moving back to California. However my whole view of soul cycle changed and I could never shake the disappointing reality: my eyes were opened and I saw it for what it really was. Soulless cycle. 

Yes,- a slogan could be written on the wall that said “tribe” “inspire” “find your soul” - none of which was actually happening for everyone in the studio. Not when a teacher frequently chose favorites she would call out and the class felt like a high school clique of cool kids in the front and the randoms she would yell at and verbally abuse in the back for not keeping up. The hypocrisy. 

Am I surprised that soul is now embroiled in a scandal where Stephen Ross, the billionaire developer and chairman of Equinox and SoulCycle, is hosting a fundraiser for Trump at his estate in the Hamptons? Unfortunately, no. The sad reality that soul cycle is a fraud dawned on me long ago. As James Hamblin said in the Atlantic, “SoulCycle issued a statement about how it does not engage in politics. Neither company mentioned Trump’s policies—or objected to his dehumanizing large groups of people or degrading the basic norms of American democracy...when gyms sell themselves as a sense of identity, eventually they have to define what they stand for.” If diversity, inclusion and tolerance were once  the core principles of the company , soul cycle has most definitely sold their souls. 

This was a hard one to write, but I got such incredible feedback from other mothers who felt the same way. I'm so glad it resonated with so many. XX 

FOR MOTHER.LY

‘When are you done having kids?’

                 Azizah Rowen

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I always wanted three children.

In my twenties, I laughingly shared with friends my desire to have two boys and a girl. My husband and I married quite young, so although I was nowhere near ready to have this futuristic family, it was fun to imagine what our children would be like in the years to come.

Of course, that was before my thirties; before the miscarriages and fertility struggles that I’ve chronicled here on Motherly; before I had the wherewithal to understand that baby making isn’t always easy and sometimes doesn’t turn out quite the way you expect or imagine.

After everything I had been through to get my sons here on earth with me, I felt selfish even considering having another baby. 

But when I found out I was having my second child, and he was another little boy, I confess for a whole week, I looked at little girls in the park and would tear up.

While I was grateful to have been given the gift of my son growing inside me and already loved him entirely, I also wanted a daughter and I felt this wish from the depth of my body and soul. 

I realized that part of this intense longing developed because I lost a baby girl during my second miscarriage. I grieved for her, the daughter I never had, and intuitively understood given my complicated fertility struggles that this would likely be my last pregnancy. 

After my son was born prematurely and in the NICU for forty eight days, I felt embarrassed for even having any gender disappointment at all.

He was most certainly all that I wanted and I was madly in love with him the second I held him. It was yet another reminder that babies are pure magic.

In the blink of an eye, I had two toddlers running around my New York apartment and life was blissful. Yet the thought of her, the daughter I never had, remained with me. I shared this feeling with other mothers; some who felt a yearning desire for another baby, others who knew with absolute certainty they were done having kids, and still others who weren’t sure yet, like myself. 

I asked my fertility doctor if it would even be safe for me to try and conceive again. His response was that it would be “extremely dicey, but doable” since I had a very fragile situation with my last pregnancy. My doctors’ sentiments did not make me feel optimistic and I thought of the two beautiful children that I already had at home. My husband listened and comforted me as we contemplated this choice. 

After time spent speaking together, he emotionally recounted the moments during my last labor when he watched me almost die and painfully told me that he could not go through that again.

I understood rationally that my fertility history indicated I would probably never have another baby. There was however a part of me that kept coming back to the heart felt question... as mothers, how do you really know when you’re “done” having babies? 

I think a lot of women struggle with this. For the lucky ones, it seems instinctual; you just know when your family is complete. For others, it seems that maybe this is a question which will never be answered but life moves forward and circumstances change so there is one day an acceptance that your family is complete.

The latter is what has happened to me. I have researched other avenues like surrogacy and adoption but we have decided (for now) that our family is four. 

Yes, there is very real grieving that has occurred: I will never ever again hold my baby in the ergo, smell his beautiful newborn scent, watch him smile for the first time, give him a first bath.

So many wondrous “firsts.” On the flip side, I will never again have the sleepless nights, deal with an annoying breast pump, or go through the very real and challenging terrible twos. The hardest parts about having toddlers is almost behind me, and from what I hear from other mothers, life with two school aged children is purely joyful and easier in comparison.

When do we come to the conclusion that we are done having babies?

The answer is that for some of us, we never really know. As mothers, all we can do is hold on tightly to the little blessings we created and let life take it’s course. We can continue to have gratitude for all that we have in these beautiful creations of love as time inevitably moves forward and life invariably moves on.

Azizah is a California bred New Yorker, mommy, wife, actress, producer and musician. You can follow Azizah on her blog, The Artist Mommy.

http://www.mother.ly/child/when-are-you-done-having-kids?utm_source

Goodbye to Kids, Hello to Time

Featured on Beyond Mom: 

Flying across the pond to London, I felt a sense of adventure and excitement as I embarked on a much needed girls trip. My best friend from theater school is currently starring in Motown in his West end debut, and some of my oldest and dearest girlfriends from high school and college also live there, so it was a good excuse for a few of us in the states to visit.

It was my third girls trip since having both of my children, and each and every time I have left, it hasn't gotten easier. Similar to the past two trips, the entire week up to me leaving I was plagued with anxiety that my plane would crash or I would be having wine in a pub when terrorists would attack London. The innate sense of wanting to protect my children always feels compromised when distance separates us.  

Five days before my flight, in typical parental irony, my eldest son came down with the flu and had a 105 fever. Guilt overtook me and I thought, how could I possibly leave him in this state? Also, how could I have thought that it was okay to leave them at all? I contemplated canceling.

Fortunately, he ended up feeling better and breaking his fever two days before I was scheduled to leave. At this point, I felt beyond stressed and unable to process the idea of being in another country, away from family and responsibilities. Talking endlessly with my husband, he repeatedly told me that all would be ok; that despite my fears, our family would not fall apart without me there, and I should go and have fun with my friends and enjoy myself. I knew he was right, but I still couldn't shake that guilty feeling.

My friends who are also parents helped with this process of decision making. The consensus was the same; many of us who have children feel horrible before leaving and second guess our trips away from the kids up until the minute we leave. Truth be told, even after my son was cleared by the pediatrician, everything was in order, and I was all packed and walking out the door, I shed a few tears from my doorstep as I left on my journey.

I thought about it a lot on the ride to the airport. When our whole heart is outside our body in the form of tiny humans, how can we possibly leave? This overpowering feeling stayed with me until my friend and I had a glass of wine and settled in our seats on the plane. As we took off, it hit me: I had four days ahead of me to sleep in, party with my girl friends and have the freedom in a day to do anything I chose. I didn't have to hear one cry or deal with one tantrum. I was suddenly enveloped in a feeling of relief and excitement.

The trip was fabulous. It was everything I had expected and more, and a perfect girls weekend away. We brunched, lunched, danced, walked, shopped and talked until the early hours of the morning. I remembered what it was like to take trips with my girlfriends before kids, and I re connected with the part of myself that was not just a mother; the part of me that loves to travel, have fun and be adventurous. I really had time to talk with my friends and daydream, and to think about what I wanted to accomplish this year creatively. Most importantly, I had the chance to reflect on how much my family means to me. 

Many women would never consider leaving their kids and others have no problem with it. I have no judgement and understand both positions. I fall somewhere in the middle. I think I will always be conflicted about leaving, but I can say, I had the most incredible time and felt even better when I got back than I did before I left. I had even more gratitude, love and appreciation for my family after being away. Proof that while it’s never easy leaving, it’s worth it for me.

I'm on snapchat 😭🙊

USERNAME : zzrow 

Spring Break in the Bahamas -2016 xx

Beyond Mom: Finding my creative flow while being a mom, too

Thank you again to Beyond Mom for asking me to write this piece. It's a balancing act: http://rzbeyondmom.com/finding-my-creative-flow-while-being-a-mom-too-by-azizah-rowen/

Weeks after my son Wilder was born, I wondered when I would feel like myself again. That self being a creative, balanced person that had somehow become lost during his premature and unnerving birth. His birth came months before expected and thankfully and joyfully, I can say that he is now doing well and thriving. Shining through his small self, his glistening eyes and big spirit, I even see the performer that I have always been.

At the same time that he arrived into our world, I was blissfully happy, in a state of newborn euphoria. I could not imagine a time when I would ever not want to be snuggling and sniffing my beautiful new babies’ scent. As any new mommy, I was taking in all of his baby goodness, and my creative endeavors seemed but a distant memory and frankly, insignificant compared to what I was experiencing.

People often talk about a balancing act and finding the time to work while fulfilling the role of motherhood. It was definitely a challenge. The creative space in my home had now turned in to an energetic and chaotic playroom. There were swaddle blankets draped over my guitars and peanut butter smudges on top of my laptop. My older son decided to eat, (yes…eat) one of the pages from my favorite play which led to all my books being high up on a shelf, out of my reach. At this time, more than books felt out of my reach. My dreams floated high in the sky and I wondered each day how to reach them again.

Determined to live within my passion of writing, performing and creating, I slowly found the time and opportunity to find moments when my younger son napped to dive into the books on the high shelves, my writing, my singing and all the things beyond the joy of motherhood that brought inspiration to my life.

A gift was soon granted which would make balance all the more possible. My son Dash was off to pre school! Three hours a day of quiet is something that my younger self never knew to appreciate so much. This time was used for reflection, solitude and of course creativity.

I was now just as appreciative of having total Mom days, the days in which I cater to their every need. I found that even on my completely exhausting, overwhelming, give me a glass of pinot grigio days, I would gather inspiration from their curiosity, wondrous eyes and immense imaginations. Here’s the secret: I also became okay with complete check out days. In the spring and summer, I found places outside to quietly work. Even though I often felt guilty about leaving, I knew it was the only way I would be able to create. I had to think of my creativity like an extension of my physical body, and these hours I spent creating were as vital to my health as getting back to the gym. Not only because I wanted to shed the baby weight, but also because I wanted to feel grounded again in my artist self.

Before the gift of my children, I wrote and recorded a song called “Parallel Lives.” It was especially meaningful because it was a song about my first miscarriage. I wrote it in an hour, and of all the songs on my album, it was the one chosen by the ABC family TV show “Switched at Birth” and used in a pivotal episode. I connected to the pure, raw and true love of being a mother the moment that I discovered I was pregnant. Even before my children were born, each was my muse.

When my younger son had his first birthday, I really started to feel like I had a handle on being a mother of two and also being creative. I wrote for Mother.ly, on my journey from actor to mother and it an incredibly cathartic experience, and I have continued to write about my experience as a mother, my struggle with fertility, the babies I’ve lost, and the journey of the birth and raising of my two darling sons.

My interview with Beyond Mom made me realize how far I’ve come on the road back to being creative. My experience as a mother and my connection to my children gave me the artistic inspiration I had been yearning for. For this I am continuously grateful. They are, after all, my greatest creation. 

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BEYOND MOM ❤️

Thank you to BEYOND MOM for this interview! I'm looking forward to being a part of the BEYOND MOM community, writing and collaborating. My first piece goes live on Wednesday, stay tuned. ❤️ thanks and xx, Azizah 

ENLIVENING COMMUNITY & WELLNESS FOR MOMS EVERYWHERE 

Azizah Rowen

November 30, 2015

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We are thrilled to be featuring Azizah Rowen, a California bred New Yorker, actress, freelance writer and musician. She is also a producer and co-founder of ankinrowen productions, a New York based company dedicated to bringing hip, provocative and poignant work to the stage and screen. This creative spirit gracefully balances motherhood and her identity as an artist every day. Starting this week, Azizah will share her Beyond Mom stories on our site through written content. We are excited to be welcoming this talented and inspiring mama to the Beyond Mom community- look out for Azizah’s first piece this week!  

1) What makes you a Beyond Mom?

Thank you for saying so! I’m just trying to be the best mom and person possible and appreciate you recognizing the effort. Being a mom is the most important and rewarding job. My children are my everything, and it was a struggle to have them, so I’m beyond grateful to be their Mommy. I’m a creative individual and was acting, singing and writing before I had my two boys. Finding the balance between being creative, keeping my identity as an artist and being at home with my children as a mom is something I work on constantly. My hope is that each day I am closer to finding the balance and being fulfilled in both roles. 

2) What are the parts of you that have grown and expanded since becoming a Mom?

My empathy has grown. As a storyteller, I have always known empathy is how people connect to art, and being a mom has given me so much more empathy and compassion in all aspects of life. I feel that my heart has grown exponentially each day that I’m with them and I’m grateful.

3) Can you share a collaboration/success story with another woman; what helped the collaboration become successful?  

When I first moved to NYC from LA, I was blown away by how collaborative the  artistic community was here. Within months of arriving I had forged incredible relationships with people in the theater community who were working together to make amazing productions. Being an actor in LA had at times felt isolating and this felt like a real community. By my second year in NYC I had met a fabulous woman who became my production partner and we co-founded our company together, ankinrowen productions in conjunction with the first off-Broadway play we were producers on. The whole experience of connecting, sharing the same passion and ultimately working together was magical.

4) What relationships help you stay connected to yourself? 

My relationship with my baby boys keeps me most connected to myself. It’s like having my heart outside of my body. It’s a love that has surpassed any love I could have dreamed of or imagined. My incredible husband, mom, dad and brother who love me unconditionally also play a major role in feeling connected to my entire family and the values that I hold close to my heart. 

My family extends past these important people and includes the wonderful friendships – new and old- that keep me feeling grounded and loved. This is important when navigating through the chaos of balancing family life and being artistic. I have friends who have known me my entire life and new friends who I have met through my children. For the last, it’s wonderful how close these new individuals have become in such a short time and is a testament to how deep the bond of motherhood is.

5) Do you have a ‘Beyond’ dream that you are pursuing? If so, please share… 

My dream is to continue to do what I’m doing – finding the balance between being creative and being a mom. I have been writing for the last year for Mother.ly and it has been cathartic to share personal stories, especially when my difficulties and the lessons learned can help another. I have continued to write music, sing, play guitar and perform and that is something I absolutely and passionately love. My production company ankinrowen productioncontinues to develop plays. The theater is a huge part of my being and I feel fortunate to find ways to incorporate this creativity into everyday life.

6) What wellness activity can you not live without? What is one thing you do daily that balances you? 

Yoga! Specifically at Lyons Den in my neighborhood of Tribeca and also Yoga Shantiin Chelsea. My friend teaches at Yoga Shanti and I had the pleasure of singing an acoustic set during her class last week. I truly enjoyed merging two things that I love, both which keep me creatively and spiritually grounded.

7) How does style influence the way you stay feeling ‘Beyond’? Who is currently your favorite designer? 

My style is asking my girlfriends in fashion what I should buy and wear this season! Haha – seriously! I love wearing classic pieces these days and neutral colors. 

Favorite Spots that Embody The Beyond Mom:

The Hudson River Park! It has made downtown such a brilliant place for kids to play, to picnic as a family or with friends, and to go on long walks along the Hudson. Finding nature in the city is a blessing and I often walk this area and find myself reminded of how much I love New York City.

Beyond Cocktails and/or Food: 

NYC has such amazing restaurants and it would be impossible to name all my favorites. I’m a born and raised Californian so I love Mexican and it’s difficult to find great Mexican on the East Coast but we found it in my new obsession, Rosie’s, in the East Village. I could eat tacos and drink margaritas daily! 

Beyond Workout:

Lyons Den and Yoga Shanti. Ohm. 

Beyond Shopping:

I get a few key pieces from Barneys every season, then mostly shop at Madewell, Zara, Reformation, Maje and online at Shopbop.

You can follow Azizah on her blog, The Artist Mommy

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http://rzbeyondmom.com/interviews/azizah-rowen/