It's sunny and beautiful and I'm sitting in my best friends gorgeous carrera marble and subway tiled kitchen in Bel air. After a perfect Christmas in the desert with my family, a glorious new years spent in Napa and San Francisco (essentially my first home), and another incredible week in LA of sunshine, hikes, sushi, best friends, chopped salads, driving around singing Beyonces "put a ring on it" on full blast with the windows down, bay cities deli, and comfortable movie theaters-a part of my heart dully aches as I think about what I am leaving today, and how much of me will always be a California girl. The mere thought of knowing my parents and brother are only two hours away, and when I wake up tomorrow morning they will be across the country -makes me slightly devastated.
But here is the exciting part-tomorrow morning I will also wake up and be in the happiest place on planet earth, New York City. I'm dying for it. I miss the bustling energy and pulse, and feeling vibrant. I have a million things to do and see and accomplish-and this is truly the first time I can ever remember saying "happy new year" at midnight-and actually being excited about my year ahead. This was the most incredible feeling I have ever had.
Of course I spent a lot of time in CA-especially driving up and down the 5- doing my same old monologue, specifically to poor Craig who is so sick of hearing it. It goes something like this:
"where are we going to live? when should you knock me up? is having a family in New York crazy? Should we move back to LA?! Wait-on second thought-should we move to Marin? Never mind, we all did drugs in high school there. Our kids could be totally fucked up. But it's so pretty! And the schools! And Sonoma, and Tahoe, and it's way more normal there than LA, right? But.. I want to act! And write and produce! And NY is the place for that! NY is the only place I could have it all! Oh God I'm so confused. Hello?! Why aren't you listening to me?!"
So New Years resolution one is to stop freaking out of course. As I've written about before-I am riddled with worry so this is something I would really like to face in 2009. I'm ready to confront the ugly side of me this year, and we all know we have one. Craig is currently reading some amazing self help book and decided to share with me the six basic fears. Do you know them? I didn't. It's fascinating. They are: fear of criticism, fear of death, fear of losing a loved one, fear of aging, fear of ill health, fear of poverty. I sat still for a moment, after he read that to me, silently panicking and realizing I have almost every one of those. (Not so much on the poverty thing-although this economic crisis has definitely been a nightmare. And aging? Never really thought about it. But certainly after it came to my attention, I am now petrified).
09 is the year of change and facing my fear!
I was having dinner the other night, and my girlfriend and I started talking about people always want more. This directly applies to me. I want a bigger apartment, I want to go live in Italy for two months, I want to be working more, and so on. Some of the people I know who seemingly have it all, want a better relationship with their partner, or children, or a bigger house, or more money, or a better body. God, it never ends. As we sat and discussed this phenomena, she dared to ask the question of what happiness is exactly, and why do we always want more? Because once we get it, it's something else.
I guess the fact that human beings continue to hope and dream is what makes us feel alive. (Which is why I loved loved loved Revolutionary Road and although this year I've seen some of the best movies EVER, think so far, this is my favorite- If you haven't seen it-go! It's brilliant. Not to mention it should be a play. Hmm.) I think this is why I love NY so much and feel so excited to go back. I feel eternally hopeful, like my dreams are becoming reality and anything is possible! I need to continue to focus on that, and while desire for more is absolutely healthy, also be grateful for all that is already in front of me.
On that happy note, I get back to start rehearsals on the first play I wrote, Rise and Shine.Performances are in Feb, more on that soon.
2009. The year of change, hope and victory!
