ankinrowen productions....

We had an amazing reading of new work by Brooke Berman and Beau Willimon on Thurs Dec 4th, 2008 followed by a cocktail party.

I am so excited about the infinite possibilities.

http://www.ankinrowen.com

Twilight and Turkey

I made my first Thanksgiving dinner this year. It was one of the most terrifying yet rewarding things I have ever done in my life. Cleaning the turkey was disgusting and traumatizing. But seeing the actual finished product was like reaching some sort of milestone. Like riding a bike for the first time or getting my period. I looked at what I had created-the bird (which took an impressive five hours to make!), yams, salad, cranberry sauce, gravy, mashed potatoes and my pie-and I realized I can do this. I can be the matriarch, the woman of the house. I can be a mom. I can do this! I can do this! I made Thanksgiving dinner!

Juxtaposed with the fact that the week of Thanksgiving, I also became literally obsessed with the Twilight saga. I read all four of these books in ten days. The books were beautifully written and deeply moving, and much to my chagrin I found myself sneaking out of parties early that week to go home and read. I felt sixteen all over again and like I was falling in love for the first time. (These are young adult novels, of course:) Suddenly I had an incredible backdrop to my life, much like acting homework as described by my mentor, where I was simultaneously running errands and also wondering what Edward was thinking when he flew through trees. (OK-if you haven't read the book, you should. Or at least see the movie which is horribly disappointing but the boy in it is hot. And also hanging out with my thirty year old friends in LA which is a whole other story).

S what does all this mean? I clearly have ageism issues. I'm thirty ears old. I have a husband and can honestly say for the first time in  my life -after years of hard work-I'm experiencing the beginnings of true happiness in my career. I can make a kinda kick ass Thanksgiving dinner. And I'm also sixteen inside. A true teeny bopper for life. Happily married and also having a secret affair with a seventeen year old vampire (and Justin of course. He will always be my #1 imaginary friend). And this is all OK.

Twilight and Turkey sound kinda good together.

From Us With Love On Election Day

Dear Friends and Family,

Here we are on the day of the biggest and most historic presidential election in history. Saturday night, we sat in a jazz club with friends in the village and listened to a woman and old man sing the blues. The older man talked about how he could not believe he lived to see the day where an African-American man could run for the highest office in the land. Craig and I got very emotional.

Today I write from the heart to proudly announce Craig and I have both voted absentee for Senator Barack Obama to be the next President of the Unites States of America. This man is incredible. He represents progress and hope. He will break borders and stereotypes. He will change the world.

Craig and I are not people who would have sat back fifty years ago. We would have fought for civil rights. We would have taken a  stand. We would have marched on Washington. We would have protested for peace.

But we were not alive during those moments in history. This is our time, our opportunity to change the future of this country.

Please join us today in voting for the voice of our generation. Please stand and make a difference and vote for change! The world will be a better place with Barack Obama as our next President.

With love,

Azizah and Craig Rowen

Azizah (democrat)

Craig (independent and self-proclaimed "reformed republican"

PROUD OBAMA/BIDEN VOTERS NOVEMBER 4, 2008

The Right Coast

When I moved from LA to NY I continued to reassure myself it was only for a year. I knew Craig and I wanted to have the experience of living in Manhattan more than anything, but I could not imagine leaving everything that had given me comfort in the place I called home for the last eleven years.

In a way I was also saying goodbye to a period in my life that I was ready to graduate from. The dreams I had in my early twenties had morphed in to something different. I had come to LA at eighteen years old starry eyed and naive like the hundreds of young girls before and after me. I dreamed of fame and figured it would only be a matter of a few months (or at least until I graduated from USC:) when I would be discovered and on the new hot television show. I eventually  experienced the adversity as most young artists do, especially in a city as cut throat as LA.  I was told I was too fat (which-okay, if you know me is honestly absurd-I mean I'm basically half little person), too ethnic, not ethnic enough, not "Lisa Ling" enough (that was when Ally Macbeal was hot of course) too young, not young enough, lacking TV credits-the list goes on and on. Once I was even told by a former acting coach (I think every actress in LA has at least one in their career the would like to call the biggest fucking asshole they have ever met and this is mine) "what are you anyway? half Indonesian? I don't even know what the hell that is. I mean--I appreciate that your parents homogenized you in to society, but..."

I really don't remember the rest, because after that, I tuned her out, walked to my car, got in and had  hysterical nervous break down. (None of this is an exaggeration by the way). 

Okay. Who says that?! 

The most difficult part, of course was the fact that I've lived my whole life just being me. My mother is beautiful and Indonesian and moved to New York when she was five and is the most American person I know. My dad is butt white with blonde hair and blue eyes and from North Carolina. So yes- unfortunately I had no understanding why from a casting perspective I needed to be foreign because I was Eurasian. 

I continued to persevere, however, mostly because my passion for acting and performing never weaned. Despite the ups and downs, I did get very close to booking a few notable TV spots here and there, shot a few independent films and a weird pilot or two, and was quite successful in the theatre world even starting a notable company named Workshop 360 with my closest friends and one of my favorite professors from college. Moreover, I never heard anything but positive feedback about the actual work I was doing, so I knew I had to be doing something right.

I refuse to be one of those people that knocks one city over another. I love LA. Always will. There is a part of my heart that will forever belong to California being lucky to have grown up in Northern and become a woman in Southern. But when I would ask myself: What do you really want?? The answer was clear as a bell. Theatre! Theatre! Theatre! This is what made me happiest. This is what I thrived in and had success in since the age of six. The stage was my home, and had been for as long as I could remember. I had dreamed of doing theatre in NYC since I had debated down to the wire between Tisch and the USC school of theatre at 17 yrs old. I finally had the opportunity to move to NY with the love of my life, a California boy who loved skiing and surfing quite possibly as much as me and was even more excited about living in Manhattan than I was.

My experience in NY has been so epic for the last year and a half, I seriously have to stop myself from gushing all day long. Craig and I are both madly in love with the big apple.  For the obvious intoxicating reasons people call it the best city in the world, and also because everything I have dreamed of is finally happening. I spent so many years fighting to be seen and heard and I felt such a palpable difference the second I got to New York. Not to say the business is not not challenging because of course it is everywhere. But the biggest difference I discovered after getting to the right coast was the community of actors and artists that seemed to want to-gasp!-help one another, work together, make beautiful art together! Everyone was seemingly connected, especially in the Off Broadway world I was hoping to become a part of.  My instincts were right: this was exactly where I needed to be.

So....doesn't look like we are leaving anytime soon. Stay tuned for more great things to come. :) 

http://www.ankinrowen.com

Babies, Beer, Fear and The Power Of Now

I am plagued with fear.

Fear of flying, of getting sick. Of something happening to the people that I love, of getting in to an accident, of not accomplishing everything I've dreamed of...the list goes on.

I'm so totally exhausted by it. 

I've been wondering what it would be like  NOT to stress about something on a daily basis. It's so lame. So self indulgent. In a word, like my Bizzle and Staci and Charl and Pookie and George say: it's DUMBAAAH.

Lately my worry has extended beyond the realm of what just affects me personally. I fear what will continue to happen with this economy and although this is the first time I have ever really cared about politics, it consumes me. I am more invested than I have ever been in this election and I am terrified of what will happen if the good guy does not win. I am frequently during the day moved to tears by it. There is no doubt in my mind this is the most important election of my lifetime. I have a plethora of fears about this dancing around in my mind at any given time.

It's so easy for me to lead to the inevitable conclusion that this is a scary time we live in, a dark world, and as a person living in it, its impossible not to be affected by the post 9-11 trauma that seven years later continue to haunt anyone who was alive to witness those atrocities. The media has almost survived off our fear for the last seven years--why am I addicted to post apocalyptic movies even though they all star Will Smith?! But beyond that, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may just be a likely candidate because I'm embarrassingly wired to be fearful anyway.

I keep thinking about how much better I had it in the past. How amazing was the eighties? Being a kid and The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles and Pat Benetar and The Goonies Madonna, Bop magazine, and Marin and money money money. And the nineties. aahhh. The economy on an upswing again, and no lines at airports and September 11th was just another day and us Trojans could drink beer at the stadium and on the row and Grateful Dead was vintage chic and La Cienega had no traffic and all I needed was black pants to look cute.

 

I'm only thirty and reminiscing about the eighties and nineties. 

Stuck in the past. Always seem to be stuck in the past. Why does the past always looks and feel so much better? In my memories, everything was idyllic and easy. When things become increasingly difficult or stressful I often find myself thinking how easy I had it in college. Or high school. Or when I was little without a care in the world.

Then I snap out of my haze and realize I had stupid shit I was obsessing about then too. Which guy liked me, or who was talking about me behind my back or how many pimples I had. I suppose the past will always seem easier because it worked out and is behind me. Duh, right? Or maybe because as my brother likes to point out, I was actually a really fearless kid. I kinda even vaguely remember what that felt like. I recall my mom shaking and trembling on planes, for example, and thinking at six years old, she had a serious screw loose. I wasn't scared at all.  And then of course, it all changed when I had a few experiences as we all do that taught me to feel like I wasn't safe.

My brother always jokes my brain is fixated on being nostalgic of my past or preoccupied about my future. I've discovered as of late that this is directly related to my fear, and will be the secret component in ridding myself of this chronic problem. I just started reading Eckhart Tolle's  book The Power of Now I'm totally in to it. I realize the times in my life when I have been the happiest and completely filled with bliss and ecstasy I have been absolutely absorbed in the present moment. (I'm aware this seems like an obvious ridiculilo statement, but I'm trying to work this out).

Lately, my newly thirty year old self is fascinated with future tripping about two worlds: the baby making, house with a yard, cooking at home and nesting world vs. the working, pinot grigio drinking, music listening, theatre watching, chic party world. I would dare to say the two are constantly battling in my head causing me much-surprise!-fear and anxiety. It's like that movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. I loooove that movie. In  two split alternate universes she is living different lives. I am currently living in the latter world, and honestly LOVING it with every bone in my body. Living In New York might just be my happiest chapter thus far. I'm with Craig my love, on an incredible adventure. There is music and art and culture and people of different colors shapes and sizes and excitement and energy all around me. I love every bit of spark and pizzaz the city has to offer. I feel alive; I started a production company with my partner and dear friend Ms. Ami Ankin, and in a sense all the dreams of my twenties are finally coming to fruition. To top it off, my best friend in the world Courtney is similarly relocating from LA to NYC. What could be better?!

But here I am, home in LA for two weeks and hanging with my pregnant best friends, and my friends with babies, and their houses with yards and pools, and lounging and hiking and sunshine and I freak out. I freak and panic and start thinking of Gwyneth Paltrow and Sliding Doors and my alternate universe.  I just turned thirty. My husband and I live in a teeny apartment in Manhattan and are currently stressed on a daily basis about the janky mortgage industry he unfortunately (and fortunately) works in. I'm not famous like I thought I would be, even though I have to admit that doesn't even sound as appealing anymore. I don't want kids now. I want them, but not now. Maybe if I didn't have to be sick and fat for ten months? Or if it came out and was two and could walk and talk and had a personality? And yes, I just called it "it". I have never been a baby person. I absolutely wholeheartedly want babies and a family...someday. But dreaming of motherhood and playing house with my Cabbage Patch kids was always replaced by dreaming of winning an Oscar and making my Barbie and Ken make out. I still feel sixteen inside. I still want to sneak off and smoke a ciggie and drink Grey Goose sodas and dance around to Biggie. I want to see the whole world and have been blessed to have traveled a lot but am nowhere near done. I'm continually perplexed by where the time went and sometimes imagine life as one of those old school hourglasses running out of sand.  When will I be ready? Am I missing out on this new chapter of life? Am I behind in some way ? Am I lacking because I'm not experiencing what everyone calls the best thing that's ever happened to them? I admit that at times I admire the glow and love radiating off my friends who are new parents. It's beautiful.  Can I have that and still be me? Can I still live my life and pursue my dreams with children? And oh god. Will Craig and I be the oldest parents at the open house?!

Most importantly, are these problems ridiculous and mundane? With so much going on with the world, is it fair for me to stress about what my friend Adam calls "uptown problems?" 

But I just can't help but obsess about this thing called the future and how it will all work out. 

My poor friends have heard this soliloquy so many times I feel bad for them. And the advice I heed is always the same: you are where you are now. Enjoy your experience. Live your life. Be grateful for your adventure. Are you happy? They ask. Yes I reply, simply, without hesitation. Are you fulfilled? Completely, I answer. Then enjoy it, they say. Be in the now. Live in the present.

I think this is something a lot of us dramatics need to work on. So this is my vow, for the next year. (small goals to start:).

I just turned thirty. Have I said that a lot? I just turned thirty. :)

I will continue to work my ass off to be the best  me I can be. I will redirect my brain to live in the moment as best I can, and appreciate where I am while I'm there. I will make the most of the blessings in my life, because God knows I focus more on the shortcomings. And I will dare to be the fearless eternal optimist I once was as a child. I will work my ass off because I know I will look back and think of this 'now' when it's past as the greatest time in my life. 

I'm Nuts

It's true.

For many reasons. First off, my dad came up with this cute acronym "neurotic unemployed thespian" aka NUTS. I find it appropriate and hilarious. Yes, I am a self proclaimed neurotic. And yes-I have been a surviving-in-this-business-actress/artist since the ripe age of six.

My fabulous fam and friends who know and love me are used to my self deprecating humour, obsessive nature, impulsive banter and constant over analyzing. But I figured it was time to stop torturing them and write it out. Blogs are secretly the new Dear Diary's anyway. So here I am.