Dancing with a (fallen) Icon

Throwback. Los Angeles. 1989.
Oh god, I was so conflicted about posting this when I found it. I bawled my eyes out when MJ died, (see my post June of 2009) like all of us, his music was the backdrop of my childhood. This moment, being called up on stage in LA during his bad tour and dancing up there with him... (1:18-1:26) it was literally surreal. I had been on several stages as a young performer but was actually so shocked by the magnitude of the stadium that I stood in the back row. I recall this being the first time I was ever nervous on a stage..the energy was more powerful than I had ever experienced. I had also never seen someone with his star power close up before. I can remember looking at him as he crossed the stage and he smiled and I felt like his being was somehow something greater than human; he was magnetic. A musical genius he most certainly was. But I also believe he was a very sick individual and I believe his victims. I’m not interested in a debate. I understand the conflict. I swore I would never listen to his music again. Then somehow Thriller blared on Halloween this year while I was at a party and I got up to dance and sat down again and then got up again. I danced and felt joy and nostalgia and also nausea and sadness and sickness and grief all at once. And I hoped the song would end but also couldn’t stop myself from dancing to what was once my all time favorite song. Which is so indicative of how so many people feel about Michael Jackson now. What do we do with this information, with this knowledge ? Will we ever be able to listen to his music again in the same way ? No. But will we still listen to it? Maybe, probably? Again, I was conflicted but this blip of a moment in my life was extraordinary, so here it is. In all our innocence, the  pop icon of our generation ...what a legend we thought he was, before we knew.
Before we knew, before we knew.

** I believe his victims 💯, I’m so sorry to whoever was hurt. Hurt people, hurt people. Believe survivors. Thank you for your bravery. X

Soulless Cycle

I started taking soul cycle in the summer of 2012 in New York City. I heard incredible things about the teachers, the energy, the unity in the class. After my first class, I was hooked. I went three to four times a week. I lost all my weight from my first baby there. I was a soul addict. 

Two years later and after my second baby, I had a couple very unsettling experiences at the studio that I couldn’t shake. I had been a loyal soul cycler for over two years at that point and  had recently taken 9 months off to have my baby (I had a horrendous pregnancy and sadly could not work out for the duration of my pregnancy). Before my pregnancy, I went to Laurie and Janet's classes weekly. I was friends with the manager who I adored, and loved the classes, people I met at the studio, and of course, the workout. I referred tons of friends to my neighborhood Tribeca studio. 

My first class back was about month after I had a premature baby and two months of a personal and emotional roller coaster.  I didn't expect Laurie to remember me (I was a "silent" regular, not a front rower) but couldn't wait to feel once again invigorated and inspired by her music and class. It had been long time, and I needed it for the reasons soul cycle defined itself as: inclusion, non judgmental inspiration, joy, and community. A positive and supportive “tribe.” It had been a trying year, to say the least. 

Halfway through the class, I realized how out of shape I was,  I was having a hard time keeping up and beating myself up for it in my head. You can imagine my disappointment and disgust when suddenly Laurie glared at me and yelled in the middle of class "Bike 25! What are you doing?! YOU are slowing us down!We are on a fast moving train and you are the slow caboose!" I just laughed because honestly it was so bitchy I had no choice but to laugh -the irony of why I couldn't wait to get back to the studio and how it made me feel and this was the opposite of what it supposedly stood for. I wanted to leave class, but stayed even though I lost all respect for Laurie as a teacher  in that moment. She had no idea what I had been through; I paid for the class just like everyone else, and not so I could be called out, yelled at and shamed for being out of shape after having a baby A MONTH BEFORE, and might I add, nearly dying in the process. 

After sharing my sentiments with others in the community, I heard she did this quite often.  How was this ok? Seemed pretty contrary to soul cycles mission statement. Despite my experience (which management acknowledged was unacceptable and gave me TEN free class to make up for it ) I continued to go back, even after moving back to California. However my whole view of soul cycle changed and I could never shake the disappointing reality: my eyes were opened and I saw it for what it really was. Soulless cycle. 

Yes,- a slogan could be written on the wall that said “tribe” “inspire” “find your soul” - none of which was actually happening for everyone in the studio. Not when a teacher frequently chose favorites she would call out and the class felt like a high school clique of cool kids in the front and the randoms she would yell at and verbally abuse in the back for not keeping up. The hypocrisy. 

Am I surprised that soul is now embroiled in a scandal where Stephen Ross, the billionaire developer and chairman of Equinox and SoulCycle, is hosting a fundraiser for Trump at his estate in the Hamptons? Unfortunately, no. The sad reality that soul cycle is a fraud dawned on me long ago. As James Hamblin said in the Atlantic, “SoulCycle issued a statement about how it does not engage in politics. Neither company mentioned Trump’s policies—or objected to his dehumanizing large groups of people or degrading the basic norms of American democracy...when gyms sell themselves as a sense of identity, eventually they have to define what they stand for.” If diversity, inclusion and tolerance were once  the core principles of the company , soul cycle has most definitely sold their souls.