Fear of flying, of getting sick. Of something happening to the people that I love, of getting in to an accident, of not accomplishing everything I've dreamed of...the list goes on.
I'm so totally exhausted by it.
I've been wondering what it would be like NOT to stress about something on a daily basis. It's so lame. So self indulgent. In a word, like my Bizzle and Staci and Charl and Pookie and George say: it's DUMBAAAH.
Lately my worry has extended beyond the realm of what just affects me personally. I fear what will continue to happen with this economy and although this is the first time I have ever really cared about politics, it consumes me. I am more invested than I have ever been in this election and I am terrified of what will happen if the good guy does not win. I am frequently during the day moved to tears by it. There is no doubt in my mind this is the most important election of my lifetime. I have a plethora of fears about this dancing around in my mind at any given time.
It's so easy for me to lead to the inevitable conclusion that this is a scary time we live in, a dark world, and as a person living in it, its impossible not to be affected by the post 9-11 trauma that seven years later continue to haunt anyone who was alive to witness those atrocities. The media has almost survived off our fear for the last seven years--why am I addicted to post apocalyptic movies even though they all star Will Smith?! But beyond that, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may just be a likely candidate because I'm embarrassingly wired to be fearful anyway.
I keep thinking about how much better I had it in the past. How amazing was the eighties? Being a kid and The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles and Pat Benetar and The Goonies Madonna, Bop magazine, and Marin and money money money. And the nineties. aahhh. The economy on an upswing again, and no lines at airports and September 11th was just another day and us Trojans could drink beer at the stadium and on the row and Grateful Dead was vintage chic and La Cienega had no traffic and all I needed was black pants to look cute.
I'm only thirty and reminiscing about the eighties and nineties.
Stuck in the past. Always seem to be stuck in the past. Why does the past always looks and feel so much better? In my memories, everything was idyllic and easy. When things become increasingly difficult or stressful I often find myself thinking how easy I had it in college. Or high school. Or when I was little without a care in the world.
Then I snap out of my haze and realize I had stupid shit I was obsessing about then too. Which guy liked me, or who was talking about me behind my back or how many pimples I had. I suppose the past will always seem easier because it worked out and is behind me. Duh, right? Or maybe because as my brother likes to point out, I was actually a really fearless kid. I kinda even vaguely remember what that felt like. I recall my mom shaking and trembling on planes, for example, and thinking at six years old, she had a serious screw loose. I wasn't scared at all. And then of course, it all changed when I had a few experiences as we all do that taught me to feel like I wasn't safe.
My brother always jokes my brain is fixated on being nostalgic of my past or preoccupied about my future. I've discovered as of late that this is directly related to my fear, and will be the secret component in ridding myself of this chronic problem. I just started reading Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now I'm totally in to it. I realize the times in my life when I have been the happiest and completely filled with bliss and ecstasy I have been absolutely absorbed in the present moment. (I'm aware this seems like an obvious ridiculilo statement, but I'm trying to work this out).
Lately, my newly thirty year old self is fascinated with future tripping about two worlds: the baby making, house with a yard, cooking at home and nesting world vs. the working, pinot grigio drinking, music listening, theatre watching, chic party world. I would dare to say the two are constantly battling in my head causing me much-surprise!-fear and anxiety. It's like that movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. I loooove that movie. In two split alternate universes she is living different lives. I am currently living in the latter world, and honestly LOVING it with every bone in my body. Living In New York might just be my happiest chapter thus far. I'm with Craig my love, on an incredible adventure. There is music and art and culture and people of different colors shapes and sizes and excitement and energy all around me. I love every bit of spark and pizzaz the city has to offer. I feel alive; I started a production company with my partner and dear friend Ms. Ami Ankin, and in a sense all the dreams of my twenties are finally coming to fruition. To top it off, my best friend in the world Courtney is similarly relocating from LA to NYC. What could be better?!
But here I am, home in LA for two weeks and hanging with my pregnant best friends, and my friends with babies, and their houses with yards and pools, and lounging and hiking and sunshine and I freak out. I freak and panic and start thinking of Gwyneth Paltrow and Sliding Doors and my alternate universe. I just turned thirty. My husband and I live in a teeny apartment in Manhattan and are currently stressed on a daily basis about the janky mortgage industry he unfortunately (and fortunately) works in. I'm not famous like I thought I would be, even though I have to admit that doesn't even sound as appealing anymore. I don't want kids now. I want them, but not now. Maybe if I didn't have to be sick and fat for ten months? Or if it came out and was two and could walk and talk and had a personality? And yes, I just called it "it". I have never been a baby person. I absolutely wholeheartedly want babies and a family...someday. But dreaming of motherhood and playing house with my Cabbage Patch kids was always replaced by dreaming of winning an Oscar and making my Barbie and Ken make out. I still feel sixteen inside. I still want to sneak off and smoke a ciggie and drink Grey Goose sodas and dance around to Biggie. I want to see the whole world and have been blessed to have traveled a lot but am nowhere near done. I'm continually perplexed by where the time went and sometimes imagine life as one of those old school hourglasses running out of sand. When will I be ready? Am I missing out on this new chapter of life? Am I behind in some way ? Am I lacking because I'm not experiencing what everyone calls the best thing that's ever happened to them? I admit that at times I admire the glow and love radiating off my friends who are new parents. It's beautiful. Can I have that and still be me? Can I still live my life and pursue my dreams with children? And oh god. Will Craig and I be the oldest parents at the open house?!
Most importantly, are these problems ridiculous and mundane? With so much going on with the world, is it fair for me to stress about what my friend Adam calls "uptown problems?"
But I just can't help but obsess about this thing called the future and how it will all work out.
My poor friends have heard this soliloquy so many times I feel bad for them. And the advice I heed is always the same: you are where you are now. Enjoy your experience. Live your life. Be grateful for your adventure. Are you happy? They ask. Yes I reply, simply, without hesitation. Are you fulfilled? Completely, I answer. Then enjoy it, they say. Be in the now. Live in the present.
I think this is something a lot of us dramatics need to work on. So this is my vow, for the next year. (small goals to start:).
I just turned thirty. Have I said that a lot? I just turned thirty. :)
I will continue to work my ass off to be the best me I can be. I will redirect my brain to live in the moment as best I can, and appreciate where I am while I'm there. I will make the most of the blessings in my life, because God knows I focus more on the shortcomings. And I will dare to be the fearless eternal optimist I once was as a child. I will work my ass off because I know I will look back and think of this 'now' when it's past as the greatest time in my life.
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