Weeks after my son Wilder was born, I wondered when I would feel like myself again. That self being a creative, balanced person that had somehow become lost during his premature and unnerving birth. His birth came months before expected and thankfully and joyfully, I can say that he is now doing well and thriving. Shining through his small self, his glistening eyes and big spirit, I even see the performer that I have always been.
At the same time that he arrived into our world, I was blissfully happy, in a state of newborn euphoria. I could not imagine a time when I would ever not want to be snuggling and sniffing my beautiful new babies’ scent. As any new mommy, I was taking in all of his baby goodness, and my creative endeavors seemed but a distant memory and frankly, insignificant compared to what I was experiencing.
People often talk about a balancing act and finding the time to work while fulfilling the role of motherhood. It was definitely a challenge. The creative space in my home had now turned in to an energetic and chaotic playroom. There were swaddle blankets draped over my guitars and peanut butter smudges on top of my laptop. My older son decided to eat, (yes…eat) one of the pages from my favorite play which led to all my books being high up on a shelf, out of my reach. At this time, more than books felt out of my reach. My dreams floated high in the sky and I wondered each day how to reach them again.
Determined to live within my passion of writing, performing and creating, I slowly found the time and opportunity to find moments when my younger son napped to dive into the books on the high shelves, my writing, my singing and all the things beyond the joy of motherhood that brought inspiration to my life.
A gift was soon granted which would make balance all the more possible. My son Dash was off to pre school! Three hours a day of quiet is something that my younger self never knew to appreciate so much. This time was used for reflection, solitude and of course creativity.
I was now just as appreciative of having total Mom days, the days in which I cater to their every need. I found that even on my completely exhausting, overwhelming, give me a glass of pinot grigio days, I would gather inspiration from their curiosity, wondrous eyes and immense imaginations. Here’s the secret: I also became okay with complete check out days. In the spring and summer, I found places outside to quietly work. Even though I often felt guilty about leaving, I knew it was the only way I would be able to create. I had to think of my creativity like an extension of my physical body, and these hours I spent creating were as vital to my health as getting back to the gym. Not only because I wanted to shed the baby weight, but also because I wanted to feel grounded again in my artist self.
Before the gift of my children, I wrote and recorded a song called “Parallel Lives.” It was especially meaningful because it was a song about my first miscarriage. I wrote it in an hour, and of all the songs on my album, it was the one chosen by the ABC family TV show “Switched at Birth” and used in a pivotal episode. I connected to the pure, raw and true love of being a mother the moment that I discovered I was pregnant. Even before my children were born, each was my muse.
When my younger son had his first birthday, I really started to feel like I had a handle on being a mother of two and also being creative. I wrote for Mother.ly, on my journey from actor to mother and it an incredibly cathartic experience, and I have continued to write about my experience as a mother, my struggle with fertility, the babies I’ve lost, and the journey of the birth and raising of my two darling sons.
My interview with Beyond Mom made me realize how far I’ve come on the road back to being creative. My experience as a mother and my connection to my children gave me the artistic inspiration I had been yearning for. For this I am continuously grateful. They are, after all, my greatest creation.
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